Zombies Are Here For Your Healthcare

ATLANTA, GA - NOVEMBER 2: Stan Bowman of stanthezombie.com, who has been interested in zombies since a kid poses as his character 'Stan the Zombie' for a portrait at Walker Stalker Con at the Atlanta Convention Center at AmericasMart on Saturday, November 2, 2013. Photo by David Walter Banks

I think it is time for the people of the United States to finally start worrying about the very real possibility of zombies.  We all know about zombies, right?  We’ve seen the walking dead, or 28 weeks later, or even Shaun of the dead, and one thing any zombie enthusiast knows about is the difference between the different types of zombies.  You’ve got your slow stumbling zombies, that just sort of lurch at you, the fast running zombies, the jumping zombies, and the worst of all, the seemingly superpowered combination, fast running, jumping, freakishly violent zombies.

See, whenever you do your preparations for your own imaginary zombie apocalypse, you have to decide which type of zombies you’re likely to be facing.  A different type of zombie requires different types of preparation.  The slow walker zombies are usually easily killed by destroying their head, and can be outrun, but they usually come in larger numbers.  The fast running zombies, on the other hand, you usually end up trying to get to high ground to get away from, while the superpowered zombies just mean you’re fucked.

The reason that I’m concerned with a zombie apocalypse this week is that we happen to have a real life documented zombie in the United States, the Obamacare repeal bill.  Yes, Obamacare repeal is back with the Graham-Cassidy bill, an Obamacare repeal and replace plan that could be the worst one yet.  As with the past repeal efforts, this plan will be voted on before the CBO has a chance to score the bill, a must for Republicans who know how unpopular the bill will be once the public knows what it will actually do.

How did we get here though?  Republicans tried twice to repeal the affordable care act, and failed fantastically both times.  The previous bill failed when John McCain made his dramatic thumbs down in front of Mitch McConnel on the Senate floor, and everyone assumed that repealing the ACA was a lost cause, at least this year.  All indications were that the Republicans were going to move on to tax cuts and try to get a win there, but with Senators, as with college students, nothing inspires action like a deadline.  In this case, the Senate only has until the 30th to repeal Obamacare using budget reconciliation, a process that would allow them to only need a simple majority rather than 60 votes.

What’s even more shocking is that Republicans are pursuing the repeal despite the massive unpopularity of doing so.  Obamacare actually has over 50% approval for the first time since it was passed, and is massively more popular than any of the repeal bills Republicans have floated, and millions depend on the law for their healthcare, but much like the evil scientists in Zombie movies, the GOP doesn’t seem to care about the repercussions of their actions.

So the question is which type of zombie is this bill.  Is it a slow walking zombie that we can kill with a shovel to the head, or is it a fast running super-zombie that we just can’t escape.  Will this be the blockbuster zombie epic that lives on forever like Dawn of the Dead, or will this be a straight to DVD sequel that winds up being the last in a forgettable trilogy.